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The Late Show With David Letterman
David: The category tonight is “Top 10 Ways to get Americans Excited About Soccer.” You know, finally, after a decades and decades of people saying soccer is gonna be the next big sport in this country. The kids are playing it and people will love soccer. Finally, now, ‘cuz we have the United States World Cup team that’s doing very well. People are starting to get a little more interested and excited about soccer. Here we now have the Top 10 Ways to get Americans even more excited about soccer and presenting tonight’s Top 10 list, ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Korea, 10 members of your United States Men’s World Cup soccer team. Turn on the thing.
David: Looks like the kids have found a nice hotel.
Paul: Well, that’s great.
David: Alright, here we go. Top 10 Ways to get Americans Excited About Soccer.
David: Number 10, Midfielder, Landon Donovan.
Landon Donovan: Rename the sport “Deathball 3000.”
David: Oh… Number 9, Midfielder, Claudio Reyna.
Claudio Reyna: From now on, you can’t use your feet either.
David: Uh-oh. Number 8, Midfielder, John O’Brien.
John O’Brien: Constitutional Amendment stating if U.S. wins World Cup, every American gets a brand new car.
David: Wow. I like the sound of that. Get it at Harrison Ford. They’ll try you right, my friend. Okay, I’ve lost my place. Where am I, number 8 or number 7? Number 7, Forward, Clint Mathis.
Clint Mathis: More players who look like Mia Hamm—Fewer players who look like Davor Vugrinec.
David: Yeah, I’ll take your word for it. Number 6, Defender, Greg Berhalter.
Greg Berhalter: Instead of “Gooooal!” have that announcer guy yell, “Yahtzee!”
David: Yes sirree. Number 5, Defender, Jeff Agoos.
Jeff Agoos: Printed on every red card, a collectible Star Wars photo.
David: Oh. What a lovely premium. Number 4, Goalkeeper, Brad Friedel.
Brad Friedel: Drunken monkey goalies.
David: Yes, drunken monkey goalies.
Paul: Now you’re talking.
David: They’re gonna be here next Thursday night and what a band they are.
Paul: They are very interesting as well, The Drunken Monkey Goalies.
David: No it’s not the. It’s just Drunken Monkey Goalies.
Paul: Oh, I always make that mistake. The agent always gets mad at me.
David: Yeah, I know they do. Number 3, Defender, Tony Sanneh.
Tony Sanneh: Find a way to involve that hilarious San Diego Chicken.
David: Yeah. Number 2, Forward, Joe-Max Moore.
Joe-Max Moore: You mean millions of Americans aren’t getting up in the middle of the night to watch us play?
David: And the number 1 way to get Americans excited about soccer, Midfielder, Cobi Jones.
Cobi Jones: Give Tiger Woods a soccer ball, America will never lose again.
[Footage of guys juggling and kicking the ball toward the camera]
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