Quakes take the 'SAT'
San Jose Earthquakes defender Jimmy Conrad contributes regularly to CNNSI.com.
Happenstance contains the parameters of decisions made or not made. These accidents spill onto each other, painting the moments of life, good and bad, portrait and abstract. With every stroke of the brush, a new vision is created, and I want you, my visual-rendering reader, to follow along as I dip and smear through the palette of choices at my command and portray for you what single image of life should make no difference at all:
Who made this test the end-all, be-all of existence? The determinant to what college I can or can't attend and who my future friends are going to be.
So I'm bitter -- what's it to you? I didn't have my best representation of academia that fateful Saturday in the local library, with proctors eyeing me like a parole officer watches a career criminal and the pressure of knowing that this "Scholastic Aptitude Test" makes or breaks my acceptance into esteemed higher learning institutions.
Despite the poor showing as my parents' offspring, I wouldn't change the path that I have blazed, the friends that I have made, and the score that I received. Even though, that score...it never goes away. It will always remain as a measuring stick of intelligence and the remnants of an examination gone wrong. Thus, I have no choice but to administer my own personal SAT, the Stupid Ass Test if you will, to my teammates.
But before I go oversee the movements of their No. 2 pencils, I have to ask: What was your SAT score?
PART ONE -- MULTIPLE CHOICE
1. If the opposing team (i.e. the Galaxy) trips you in the box, is it a penalty kick?
C. depends on who does the tripping
D. depends on who gets tripped
Richard Mulrooney: A
Jeff Agoos: C and D
Jon Conway: E... depends on who is refereeing.
Wade Barrett: E ... if it's anybody but Landon, then yes.
Landon Donovan: E... it depends on whether the referee is wearing his 7-inch-thick glasses or not.
Joe Cannon: E... depends if the referee's check was bounced the week before.
Eddie Robinson: A
Manny Lagos: A
Luchi Gonzalez: A
2. Who is the biggest crier in the MLS?
A. Diego Serna
B. Carlos Ruiz
C. Diego Serna
D. Ante Razov
E. Both A and C
Lagos: No comment
PART TWO -- QUESTION AND ANSWER
1. Does it bum you out to know that no matter what I eat I'll still be skinnier than you?
Mulrooney: Not now but in the future it will.
Agoos: It's a bad gene pool. Though I'm trying to get taller, or lengthening myself if you will.
Conway: No it doesn't bum me out because I have a lot more problems gaining weight than you do.
Barrett: Yeah, Del Taco doesn't affect you the same way it affects everyone else.
Donovan: I think that since you relieve yourself more powerfully and more often than anyone I know, then no it does not bum me out.
Cannon: Yeah it does because I work out hard during the week and I'll never be as toned as you are.
Lagos: You're talking to a pretty skinny guy, so no it does not.
Gonzalez: It doesn't bum me out but I faced it a long time ago. I will always be thick-boned. It's in my genes.
2. Can you describe your frustration when our "local" paper has a bigger article about "San Francisco" Giant J.T. Snow's butt hurting because he doesn't play (yeah, they deserve millions) than the two-line sentence that our big match at home that night against the Colorado Rapids gets?
Mulrooney: The pain that J.T. Snow feels in his ass is the pain I feel in my heart.
Agoos: I didn't know we had a local paper.
Conway: Media is evil.
Barrett: At this point, we are just kind of used to it.
Donovan: It's a complete joke. From what I heard they have some big splinters on those benches.
Cannon: It's the same frustration as taking the hottest girl to the prom and then finding out she was using you to get to your best friend.
Robinson: It's absolutely ridiculous. Half the country doesn't even know who J.T. Snow is.
Lagos: Yeah, that's not good.
Gonzalez: It is very frustrating when San Jose has two professional teams and the local paper acts like it only has one. They go looking for stories outside of San Jose when they have a gold mine right in front of them.
3. Are you jealous because I just got married and you're still mired in desperate solitude?
Mulrooney: I am jealous because you found the perfect girl and I'm still searching for her.
Agoos: One sense yes, and in another sense you know how we do.
Conway: Yes, I completely envious.
Barrett: No doubt. Now I'm going to cry myself to sleep on my solo pillow.
Donovan: I'm extremely jealous. Your marriage has inspired me to look for a serious girlfriend, so if anyone out there is interested please send a note in care of the Earthquakes.
Cannon: I'm jealous of your happiness but I know deep down you wanted to be with me.
Robinson: No. I'm going to stay single as long as I can.
Lagos: I am sitting here with my son right now, any questions?
Gonzalez: No, I'm not jealous because I've got a great girl and one day I'll be in your situation.
4. Besides myself obviously, who has the best goal celebration?
Mulrooney: Senegal. After every goal it's like a party to those guys.
Agoos: Dwayne DeRosario, I like to see the chicken.
Conway: Just wait and see my celebration if I ever score because that will be the best one you've ever seen.
Barrett: Ramiro Corrales. Especially the goal that he scored two weeks ago against Kansas City.
Donovan: France's Lilian Thuram after he scored the winning goal against Croatia in the '98 World Cup.
Cannon: I think Ronnie Ekelund because he's so shocked that he actually scored.
Robinson: I like Dwayne's funky chicken and Ramiro's throat slashing.
Lagos: Jason Kreis' flip.
Gonzalez: Ariel Graziani. Because he looks funny when he celebrates and you can see how happy he is. I can tell it's like a sigh of relief and that he's going to sleep well that night.
5. What makes us the best team in the league... again?
Mulrooney: Because you still don't spell "TEAM" with an "I."
Agoos: Our ability to get along in the locker room.
Conway: Because we have the best players.
Barrett: Lowest goals against in the league.
Donovan: Our players and our coaches and the fact that we are just too good. It's as simple as that.
Cannon: It's all goalkeeping.
Robinson: Our team work ethic and our trust in each other.
Lagos: Our desire to win.
Gonzalez: It all starts internally. This is my first year but there is a chemistry where everyone shares a common goal: To work hard and win games.
6. Does having a twin, make you twice as cool?
Mulrooney: For some it does, for some it doesn't.
Agoos: No, I think only half.
Conway: It's only cool if your twin is a girl because she can hook you up with her friends.
Barrett: No, because you have to split one's coolness between two people. Sorry Tristan.
Donovan: I think having a twin makes you twice as cool, but having the coolest twin in the world makes you 100 times cooler.
Cannon: I am twice as cool but it's not because I have a twin.
Robinson: Yes. Because you can trick girls.
Lagos: No comment.
Gonzalez: I think having a twin would be cool because it would be an automatic best friend.
7. When you're stretching at Spartan Stadium before a game do you ever get the feeling people are checking you out?
Mulrooney: Very much so.
Agoos: I hope they are, that's why we stretch outside. Also, after seeing Troy Dayak stretch I feel less of a man.
Conway: I hope they are; otherwise I'd be pretty bummed.
Barrett: No I think they are probably looking past me to someone else.
Donovan: I always hike my shorts up so people can see. I like to egg them on.
Cannon: It's been the same four girls who check me out before every game for the last four years.
Robinson: Yes, we have a couple of stalkers who are looking directly at my ass and some 12-year-olds after the game who ask for my telephone number.
Lagos: I'm older so probably not.
Gonzalez: Being that I've had a ghetto booty my whole life, I guess so.
8. You've seen my physique; could steroids help?
Mulrooney: Personally, you don't need them, but if you want to be a National League MVP then you should take them.
Agoos: They would definitely help along with some cosmetic surgery.
Conway: I don't think there is anything helping that physique.
Barrett: No steroids could get the physique that you have. It's kind of an opposite one, if you know what I mean.
Donovan: I think you're the epitome of a strong body. I don't think there's anything manufactured that could allow you to have a better physique.
Cannon: I think what you have upstairs is misleading to what you carry downstairs.
Robinson: No. I don't think you would know how to use them correctly.
Gonzalez: Steroids wouldn't help, they would hurt. I think skinny physiques are cool.
PART THREE -- FILL IN THE BLANK
1. If I could be the best at one thing, it would be...
Mulrooney: A complete person
Donovan: The best lover
Robinson: Eating. Or video games.
2. Sometimes before a game I like to...
Mulrooney: See if I can catch Joe Cannon puking in the bathroom.
Agoos: See if I can catch Joe Cannon puking in the bathroom.
Conway: A nap.
Barrett: Sleep all day.
Donovan: Go bowling.
Cannon: I like to throw up and drink some Red Bull.
Robinson: Sleep as much as possible.
Lagos: Drink coffee.
Gonzalez: Keep my mind off the game until an hour before kickoff so I don't get mentally tired.
PART FOUR -- WORD ASSOCIATION
Mulrooney: Harry Potter
Agoos: Nobody beats the Wiz.
Gonzalez: Michael Jordan
Agoos: Raging Waters
Lagos: Cold water
Mulrooney: MLS Cup
Agoos: No ring
Barrett: Neo 39
Donovan: Milky Way
Gonzalez: Sigi Schmid
Mulrooney: Third degree
Conway: Jock itch
Lagos: Still don't like the nickname
Gonzalez: Carl Bussey
Mulrooney: An old Atari game
Agoos: New Jersey
Robinson: Mamadou Diallo
Lagos: I love New York
Mulrooney: We stand
Conway: Screamin' Eagles
Donovan: We stand
Lagos: We stand
Gonzalez: Bruce Arena
Mulrooney: The Beatles
Agoos: Boston Tea Party
Conway: Revolutionary War
Barrett: Braeden Cloutier
Donovan: Magic Mountain
Lagos: Clam Chowder
Gonzalez: Awesome stadium
Mulrooney: Beavis & Butthead
Donovan: In the hole
Robinson: An MLS coach
Lagos: Cow knocking over the lantern
Gonzalez: Slavic names
Mulrooney: An old college buddy, James Crew
Conway: Boats, oars, and coxswains
Robinson: A boat
Lagos: Great stadium
10. U.S. National Team
Agoos: No offseason
Barrett: World Cup Success
Robinson: Frickin' good
Lagos: About time America started kicking some ass
Gonzalez: Establishing our soccer future
11. Bruce Morgan
Mulrooney: Flanders from The Simpsons
Agoos: Bryce Minging
Barrett: Man Mountain
Lagos: Ned Flanders
Gonzalez: The Inca Ruins
PART FIVE -- RAPID FIRE
Tom or Jerry? MLS Champs or Open Cup Champs? Giving to charity or volunteering? Playing on the road or playing at home? Matt Reis or Kevin Hartman? Lifting weights or thinking about lifting weights? Papa John's or Dominos? Chris Roner's Cadillac or Ian Russell's Mercedes? Left or Right? Super Taqueria or Baja Fresh? Magic's Lakers or Shaq's Lakers?
Mulrooney: Jerry, MLS Champs, Volunteering, Playing at home, Matt Hartman, Thinking about lifting, Papa John's, Roner's Caddy, Right, Baja Fresh, Magic's Lakers.
Agoos: Jerry, MLS Champs, Both, Playing at home, Matt Reis, Thinking about lifting, Papa Johns, Half of each, Left, Super Taqueria, Magic's Lakers.
Conway: Tom, MLS Champs, Volunteering, Playing at home, Kevin Reis, Lifting, Papa John's, Roner's Caddy, Right, Super Taqueria, Magic's Lakers.
Barrett: Tom, MLS Champs, Volunteering, Playing at home, Matt Reis, Thinking about lifting, Papa John's, Roner's Caddy, Left, Baja Fresh, Magic's Lakers.
Donovan: Jerry, MLS Champs, Volunteering, Playing at home, Matt Reis, Thinking about lifting, Dominos, Ian's Mercedes, Left, Super Taqueria, Magic's Lakers.
Cannon: Jerry, MLS Champs, Both, Playing at home, Matt Reis, Lifting weights, Papa John's, Roner's Caddy, Right, Baja Fresh, Magic's Lakers.
Robinson: Jerry, MLS Champs, Volunteering, Playing at home, Matt Reis, Thinking about lifting, Dominos, Roner's Caddy, Right, Super Taqueria, Magic's Lakers.
Lagos: Tom, MLS Champs, Both, Playing at home, Matt Hartman, Lifting weights, Neither, Roner's Caddy, Both, Andale's, Jordan's Bulls.
Gonzalez: Jerry, MLS Champs, Volunteering, Playing at home, Kevin Hartman, Lifting weights, Dominos, Roner's Caddy, Right, Baja Fresh, Shaq's Lakers.
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